I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
