i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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