grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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