I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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