Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
