I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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