What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
