Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
