he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
