she kept yelling 'call me bella'
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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