be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
