I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
