so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
