that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
