you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
