Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
