I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
