Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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