i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
