The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
