I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
