Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
