Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
