We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
