saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
