rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
