Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
