theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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