Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
