I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
