my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
