Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
