1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
