friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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