it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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