its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
