What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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