My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
