piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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