I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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