Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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