If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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