Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
