i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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