i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
