they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
