I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
And then he peed in my hair
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