my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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