I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
