i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
