I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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