Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
