***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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