I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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