Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
