had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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