It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
