Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
