Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
