he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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