Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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